Thursday, September 24, 2009

Mind Overload

I feel like I have so much on my mind. Maybe it is just one of those days that I am depressed, but today I feel like I'm a million pounds. My heart is heavy.

1) This infertility stuff. Are we moving too fast? I know that testing will in no way interfere with us still trying to conceive naturally. We will keep trying the good old fashioned way. But since my ob/gyn appt and the mention of IF testing, I have felt very defeated. Like, is all this trying just a joke. So while I appreciate the NP's proactive approach, I don't appreciate the worry that impending IF testing that is now a cloud I can't shake. I was able to FINALLY talk to Clare on the phone last night. We talked for almost 2 hours, it was so great. Because she went through all this stuff before having the twins, I thought talking to her would make me feel less stressed. She talked some about how hard it was to get neg OPKs and neg pg tests, to have to wait to test results, wait to O, etc. I can't stand the thought of being disappointed over and over. It would be one thing to know for certain that someday we will have a baby, but since we don't know, it is just scary. That is why I think I might delay the IF stuff for now. I want to just try and enjoy trying. Of course, if the doc calls me while in my 2ww and says to schedule blood work, I know that I will. If there is something wrong with me, I would rather know now.

2) The business. Gosh, the business. For years we (or more M) have been "doing" the business. I thought that my stepping back and telling M to prove himself would make him try harder. But not so much. We are going to a weekend function tomorrow. I wish we could quit, without being quitters.

3) The credit card situation. We have the money in our account (from the new homebuyers tax credit). Matthew keeps changing the plan...I want to just pay off the damn credit cards. Matthew has a plan about getting a new credit card with 0% financing, and transferring balancing and blah blah blah. It is stressing me out so much. One of the reasons we bought our house when we did was to get the $8,000 and get out of debt!!! GAH!
Actually, when I am reasonable, I can almost see the point of Matthew's convoluted credit card plot, but it still annoys me.

4) I'm sure there are more things that are weighing on me now, but since I can't think of them at the moment, why dwell on what they could be?!

I feel like I should have a closing statement to this post...but I don't know what to say. I guess I should just pray that we do God's Will in all we do.